Category Archives: depression

Doppelganger: Repost from Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

yochascience.com

It’s always a treat to discover a new blogger with whom I have so much in common. I’m happy to share one of those discoveries:  Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights — Poetry, Paintings, and Ponderings: Through My Eyes.

This is sad, beautifully written and exactly how I feel. It’s a difficult feeling to put into words; doppelgänger is a perfect metaphor. Thank you for writing and sharing it, Rainey.

doppelgänger April 1, 2012

for such a long while i have deceived you

i’m not really me anymore

the doppelgänger me is sleepwalking through my days

faking a smile, completing my tasks with semi-efficiently

while i remain curled protectively around my heart

no one is the wiser and it’s been better this way

but now…

the black tide is rising and i’m growing too tired to swim

the doppelgänger me is beginning to crack

the painted smile is fading

it’s getting too hard

alice is falling through the glass

you will soon know that i am no more

and that leaves me

with nothing.

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Struggling

I’ve been struggling. Struggling with the commitment and motivation, and struggling with how to write this post.

What to say? I took this on and thought I was ready. But, something holds me back. I’ve given it a lot of thought in the past few days and I’m at a loss as to what the issue is here.

My cat makes more use of this than I do.
photo from fark.com

I began with the best of intentions and seemed off to a good start. I had one set back with the injury and have never gotten back on track. I’m skipping the exercise, despite some days getting up, dressed and ready to walk out the door. I’m also not eating well and have fallen into a 3:00 pm craving for something sweet. Worse yet, I’ve given into it more often than not — cookies, ice cream, or donuts (the latter of which I don’t even like).

Life goes on around me and I find plenty to keep me busy — all worthwhile pursuits. I’m not yet into watching the shopping channel or “Who’s Baby is it Anyway? (wouldn’t that be a great reality show), or even reruns of “Friends.” Nope, it’s not about TV; I’m occupying my time with “real” stuff.  And, I am still working on a writing project. So, I’m not a total goner yet. But all these things, good as they may be, are a kind of work avoidance. Or health and exercise avoidance, I guess.

I’m going to post a weekly update in the stats today but then I’m going to take a break and try to figure out what’s going on because it’s just too public to have to be admitting failings at this point!

There are an inordinate number of microscopic bug pictures on the internet! All gross. I hope I don't look like this one from animal-space.net

I’ve talked with a good friend, Katharine, who says she might be willing to co-author the blog, but she says she wants to write about my progress and throw in some tips and recipes and information in general. I’m not so sure about that — she’s brilliant and qualified to offer the latter, definitely, and she’s probably astute enough to offer the former as well. That’s scary. I told her I’d feel a bit like a bug under a microscope!

Meantime, until I figure this out, I’m taking my sweats and issues to a corner to ponder this some more. I may keep posting other stuff I find but I’m going to take the “personal” out of it for the time being.

For anyone else on a “get healthy” adventure, continued good luck. And, if you have any advice, feel free to jump right in.


Little white lies (for the greater good)

It occurred to me a few minutes ago, as I was posting about the “woe is me” way the first week of my new health regime ended that I’m at the dangerous edge of fabrication.

I mean, this is my record of my efforts to regain my health, what I learn along the way and what progress I make. Is it not, therefore  my right, nay, my obligation, to show visible success at every turn? To be a shining beacon on encouragement to all who follow me? To all who want to be poster children for wellness? Continue reading